If you've been following my blog, then you know that my life has been chaotic for the past six months. In early April when we made the decision to put our house for sale, I had my suspicions about what we were getting into. We have moved several times now, and I had a pretty good idea of what it would take to do it again. I even went so far as to warn my husband of the repercussions moving would have on my mental state.
So you would think that when in the midst of prepping the house to sell, selling the house, packing up the house, moving to a rental, searching for a new house, buying a house, moving from the rental into the new house, and unpacking that I would feel less--I don't know maybe "guilty" about mentally crashing a bit.
But it's still difficult. As someone who suffers from anxiety, I know all about worry. I certainly am no stranger to stress. And thankfully I know myself well enough that if chaos, anxiety, worry, and stress combine into one big superstorm then I'm likely to get depressed. Good grief! Who wouldn't?
But I was still caught off guard by how quickly my creativity came to a grinding halt.
First I blamed it on having to keep my scrapbook room clean all the time to show the house.
Then I blamed it on having to pack everything up for the big move.
Then I thought, "Well maybe it's because I don't dare unpack in this month-to-month rental situation."
And then I figured I didn't really have much free time with all the house searching we were doing.
And I certainly could excuse myself while my scrapbook room underwent new flooring that took almost a month to complete.
But when I started moving boxes and furniture and supplies into my office, it hit me:
I just didn't want to be creative any more.
What in the world happened?
How did a place I loved so much go from sweet refuge to stress prison?
I was heartbroken. And worried! Scrapbooking and paper crafting are a vital part of my job description after all. How in the world was I going to work if I couldn't even stand the thought of opening a box which contained paper I had once cherished?
I'll admit it. It freaked me out!
For the first few weeks, I felt concerned.
After the first month, I started to worry.
And then by month two, I began to wonder if my creativity would ever return.
How does one go about jumpstarting their creativity once lost? And can it ever be recovered?
I worried long and hard about both of these concerns, but I gave myself permission to simply do what I felt I could. I put in my full-time hours at work leaving the creative part of my job for those rare times when I found I could make something that I didn't want to hurl across the room.
I also gave myself an out. I didn't spend much time in my space after my normal work hours. I rediscovered my love of reading. I found Gilmore Girls on Netflix. I just didn't spend any more time being creative than I wanted to. I felt it was really important to my creative recovery to step away as much as possible.
And bit by bit I started to unpack, put things away, and rediscover products I had been holding onto until the "new house." I didn't let myself feel obligated to create. I just did a few little things at a time.
And while I appeared calm on the surface, I was still very worried in my head.
Then came the little moments of triumph.
I created my first layout, and I didn't completely hate it.
I filmed a video and it didn't kill me.
I read an old scrapbooking magazine, and I liked it.
I took a peek at the latest products in my favorite online stores.
And little by little I felt my mojo start to return. It wasn't easy. Sometimes it was beyond discouraging. Sometimes I even cried about it. I just couldn't help but feel discouraged. But I'm finding that the enjoyment is outweighing the frustration. And frankly, I'll take it.
I'm looking forward to more days of creativity. I look forward to wanting to crop with other scrapbookers. I look forward to renewing my monthly craft budget. I look forward to making things that I love and that make me happy.
And I'm happy to learn that I didn't kill my creativity. I just temporarily scared it away. Here's to it finding its way back home again!
